Wednesday, January 13, 2010

The Husband Store


A brand new department store has just opened in London. It sells husbands.

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the following instructions:-

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you go up. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building.

One day a woman goes into the store and rather nervously starts climbing the stairs.

When she gets to the 1st floor a sign on the door reads:
Floor 1: These men have jobs.
She thinks, "I can do better than that" and keeps going up.
The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2: These men have jobs and love kids.
But she goes up another floor.
The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3: These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4: These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5: These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a Wives store just across the street.
The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd,4th, 5th and 6th floors have never been visited.

Nine Words Women Use

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the football before helping around the house.

3. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

4. A Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer quickly to No 9 for the meaning of nothing.)

5. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

6. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot', which is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' - that will bring on No. 7).

7. Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying, "F-- YOU!"

8. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to No. 4.

9. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in "Fine".

Why men are happy

What do you expect from such simple creatures?
  • Your last name stays put.
  • The garage is all yours.
  • Wedding plans take care of themselves.
  • Chocolate is just another snack.
  • You can never be pregnant.
  • You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
  • You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
  • Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  • The world is your urinal.
  • You never to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
  • You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
  • Wrinkles add character.
  • Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
  • People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
  • The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
  • New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
  • One mood all the time.
  • Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
  • You know stuff about tanks.
  • A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
  • You can open all your own jars.
  • You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
  • If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
  • Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
  • Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
  • You almost never have strap problems in public.
  • You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
  • Everything on your face stays its original color.
  • The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
  • You only have to shave your face and neck.
  • You can play with toys all your life.
  • Your belly usually hides your big hips.
  • One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
  • You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
  • You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
  • You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
  • You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier!!

Boys vs. Girls

Rejection lines

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given by Women (and what they actually mean...)

  1. I think of you as a brother.
    (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance")
  2. There's a slight difference in our ages.
    (You are one Jurassic geezer.)
  3. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way
    (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon)
  4. My life is too complicate right now.
    (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing)
  5. I've got a boyfriend
    (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben & Jerry's)
  6. I don't date men where I work
    (Hey bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building)
  7. It's not you, it's me
    (It's not me, it's you)
  8. I'm concentrating on my career
    (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
  9. I'm celibate.
    (I've sworn off *only* the men like you.)
  10. .....and the #1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)

    Let's be friends.
    (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with; it's that 'male perspective' thing)

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given by Men (and what they actually mean..)

  1. I think of you as a sister
    (You're ugly)
  2. There's a slight difference in our ages
    (You're ugly)
  3. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way
    (You're ugly)
  4. My life is too complicated right now.
    (You're ugly)
  5. I've got a girlfriend
    (You're ugly)
  6. I don't date women where I work
    (You're ugly)
  7. It's not you, it's me
    (You're ugly)
  8. I'm concentrating on my career
    (You're ugly)
  9. I'm celibate
    (You're ugly)
  10. .....and the #1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)

    Let's be Friends
    (You're SINFULLY ugly!)

The last thing...

The last 10 things any woman would ever say

  1. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
  2. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
  3. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
  4. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
  5. Please don't throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
  6. This diamond is way too big.
  7. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
  8. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
  9. Does this make my butt look too small?
  10. I'm wrong, you must be right again.

The last 10 things any man would ever say

  1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
  2. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
  3. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
  4. Her tits are just too big.
  5. Sometimes I just want to be held.
  6. That chick on "Murder, She Wrote" gives me a woody.
  7. Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
  8. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
  9. Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
  10. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask directions.